I fell in love with a man who described his day job as a mime on Culver Avenue. When we met, Dean Martin played in surround sound in my head. Butterflies didn’t just flutter; they had explosive orgasms in my stomach. The world as I knew it changed forever. But that is just being in love, which any of us can convince ourselves that we are. Love itself is an entirely different animal. Everything you need to know about love is found in one quote in Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (an extraordinary novel). But how do we separate love from the feelings of being in love?

The divorce rate in the United States is actually the lowest it’s been since the 70’s, around 36%, but it feels closer to half (it’s hard to find anyone over 40 who hasn’t been divorced at least once). So what’s the problem? Is it the fascist state of marriage that destroys relationships? A friend of mine swears by polyamory - openly having more than one mate at a time. Others suggest life partners are the road to committed bliss. Whatever your feelings of commitment are, most of us try and try again to find “the one.” And considering most of us don’t aspire to be single parents or go through divorce proceedings, we need to look carefully at not only ourselves, but the one sleeping next to us. That same person who once sent butterflies to tickle our insides may one day disembowel us with a spoon in divorce court. The traditional clues aren’t cutting it - that they make you laugh and share your same values is nice, but what else should we be looking out for? Here’s a list I’ve gathered to help me find the one.

1) How Would They React to the Apocalypse? I usually assess this by how someone orders at a restaurant and their general threshold of panic. I am a bad orderer. I traditionally order whatever looks “interesting” and usually get a plate of WTF is that?! It’s nice to know the person beside you will give you a bite of theirs and not horde their plate from me like I am the enemy. If the end were near, this person would likely tell you, “I’m out, bitch,” and run screaming down the street in a panic, only to be shot by the local forming militia.

2) How to Detect General Threshold of Panic: Scare them and assess their response (be prepared to be hit). Last year, I lurked in the shadows waiting for my lover to turn the corner. Unbeknownst to me, he held an economy-sized container of detergent in his hands. I yelled “boo,” startled, he chucked the detergent at my head. Lesson learned.

3) Manners! Be weary of those who fill their glass with wine and no one else’s. If one is too self-absorbed to recognize that I too am dying for a refill, than they will clearly neglect to see that I’ve had a heart attack at the breakfast table in years to come.

4) They Don’t Like All of My Friends: Some of my friends are complete assholes. The only reason why I remain friends with them is an unbreakable bond that was formed after I shared my peanut butter and fluff sandwich back in 5th grade. Sure, you want everyone to get along, but if your loved one doesn’t recognize the bad traits in some of your friends, perhaps they’re an asshole, too.

5) You Rarely Fight, Never in Public: “Next to sex, nothing is more natural than fighting.” However, how we fight is key to our relationships. Drinking shouldn’t be the gateway to airing out your laundry to the entire bar. No one cares. If you’re drunk and angry, take a cab home and tell your cat your every woe and heartache.

6) Will They Help Me Bury the Body? This is the most important — the appropriate answer from ‘the one’ should be, ‘where’s the shovel?’ If they decline to help, it’s just another person I have to get rid of, and by default they are therefore not ‘the one’.

Some of us may never find the one. Furthermore, some of us never want to find the one and be tethered to the commitment of another; after all, it’s ridiculous and unrealistic to think there even is a ‘the one’. Right? The whole thought of one person for everyone may very well make you enraged and want to throw things. Perhaps there are several. There is the hope and desire however that there is someone for everyone to be tied, chained and whipped by…and enjoy it. Finding someone who refills my glass, shares their food, is cool, calm and collected and doesn’t divulge private information in public, all while helping me dig a hole and bury a body (figuratively or literally) is a hard one to find. But, I think I’ve found him.