There are few things funnier than watching someone completely wipe out. Children and the elderly are all game in my opinion. Does that make me a cold hearted bitch? It’s quite possible. The other night I fell. I did the “collapsed fall” which is to say my knees just went down hard, right on the pavement in front of a bar, beside a table of vampire looking Russians. I heard laughter. Hey, I get, it’s cool — I would laugh too. But to my surprise, lifting myself off the ground, straightening my jeans oven my unloyal 4inch heels I felt like falling back down and curling up in a ball like road kill left beside the road. I felt mentally drained and emotionally skull fucked. I’m better now. And craving steak…

Next time you’re at the super market ask your friendly butcher to cut your porterhouse to order. Think 2inch thick 44 oz. steak. How sexy is that? Hot. I basted this bad boy in butter and seared it on each side for five minutes each. I then tossed it in the oven for 10 minutes at 375. Let it rest for another 10minutes. I finished it (and this is completely unnecessary and indulgent) with garlic chive butter, painted on each side. To say the meat melted in my mouth is an understatement. It was tender and caring and frankly everything I needed. Would rather order that at a steakhouse? — Prepare to pay $50 more. You’re better than that.

To those of you addicted to Lost — how spectacular was the finale last night? The name Jeremy Bentham ring any bells?

It turns out he is a contemporary of the real life philosopher John Locke and had a little idea about surveillance called the Panopticon, meant to instill the "sentiment of an invisible omniscience." Mind is blowing…

In preparation for the three hour Lost extravaganza I decided to make pasta so good you’ll taste it in the morning. Yep, I am afraid the taste of garlic may linger a good 24 hours after indulging in this summer dish. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Ingredients:

1 Spanish onion sliced
1 large zucchini sliced
6 cloves of garlic
4 ripe tomatoes diced
Handful of fresh basil
1/2 cup of fresh mozzarella diced
Parmesan cheese for grating
1/2 cup of extra virgin olive oil
Kalamata Olives (optional)
14.5 oz penne pasta (you can use whatever you prefer)

Bring a pot of water to boil and cook your pasta. Sautee your onions and zucchini until tender but not mushy. In a large bowl add your tomatoes, garlic, basil, mozzarella and olive oil. Add the hot pasta and veggies to the bowl and mix together with salt and pepper and a splash of pasta water. Garnish with basil and grated parmesan cheese.

I’ve always looked at Pad Thai’s prep details with both curiosity and horror. It takes that long? A lot of love, blood and bitter tears goes into creating this dish. The first bite however, is worth all the anguish.

It reminds me of the first time I ever tasted it — I was in Indonesia (close enough) eating it out of a take out box, in a golf cart, driven by a man named Swastika. No joke. Delicious.

Preparation via Epicurious.com :

Soak noodles in a large bowl of warm water until softened, 25 to 30 minutes. Drain well in a colander and cover with a dampened paper towel.

Meanwhile, make sauce by soaking tamarind pulp in boiling-hot water in a small bowl, stirring occasionally, until softened, about 5 minutes. Force mixture through a sieve into a bowl, discarding seeds and fibers. Add soy sauce, brown sugar, and Sriracha, stirring until sugar has dissolved.

Cut scallions into 2-inch pieces. Halve pale green and white parts lengthwise.

Cut shallots crosswise into very thin slices with slicer.

Rinse tofu, then cut into 1-inch cubes and pat very dry.

Heat oil in wok over medium heat until hot, then fry half of shallots over medium-low heat, stirring frequently, until golden-brown, 8 to 12 minutes. Carefully strain mixture through a fine-mesh sieve into a heatproof bowl. Reserve shallot oil and spread fried shallots on paper towels. (Shallots will crisp as they cool.) Wipe wok clean.

Yep…there’s more. A lot more.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Readers,

Over the weekend, Homeland Security decided to take a closer look at WorstCookEver.Com and has since shut it down. Apparently, there was just too much sex and deliciousness — the red flags were oh-so-hot! In an attempt to avert their efforts I have seditiously changed the address to WorstCookEver.Net.

Clever, no?

(The real story screams ass clown, so I’ll stick with the corrupt government shtick, and Yiddish for that matter? (I can’t believe I just said "shtick"))

As you can see, we are back up at our new home and you will once again have a place to find sexual positions and tonight’s dinner all on one site. Lovely, isn’t it?

Sincerely,

Worst Cook Ever

I’m going out for happy hour tonight and already thinking about the beet salad I’m going to order at the bar. Sure, I’ll do my fair share of people watching and eye sex, but let’s face it — I’m there for the food. In other news, I found this salad at Epicurious.com and I can’t wait to try it. I love every ingredient. I’m quite certain I could drink Ponzu and ginger on a daily basis.

2 skinless boneless chicken breast halves (about 1 pound)
5 fresh cilantro sprigs plus 1/3 cup chopped cilantro
1 whole green onion plus 2 green onions, chopped
1 8-ounce package sugar snap peas
3 baby bok choy, thinly sliced crosswise
1 English hothouse cucumber, quartered lengthwise, thinly sliced crosswise
1 red jalapeño chile, thinly sliced
1/4 cup ponzu*
2 1/2 tablespoons seasoned rice vinegar
2 1/2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 tablespoon minced peeled fresh ginger

Prep details here.

Noelle: I have to write a post about soaking cork.

Mary: What’s soaking cork?

Noelle: You don’t know? Funny, I figured you would always be good at soaking cork.

Mary: What are you talking about?

Noelle: Soaking Cork.

Long pause - Mary is clearly googling “soaking cork”.

Mary: Oh, you mean the SNL Skit

Enjoy.

It’s very romantic to collect corks. I have a slew of them from restaurant hopping in the Old Port of Montreal, and from bottles drunk on the beaches of Belize and such exotic places as Rochester, NY. If the place is spectacular, I document the date on it before throwing it in our stash. A tall vase holds all of our memories, for we sure have forgotten most of them (I neglect to show the trash bag filled with corks in the basement). One day, we’ll make a cork coffee table or judging by the sheer quantity, a home.

Last night, naked beneath the sheets, watching The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, my gentleman lover whispered in my ear, ‘You look like her.’ Glancing over my long dark locks draped against my chest, and then up at the bubbly blond, Vera Miles, looking doe eyed at John Wayne, I looked back at him perplexed. He said, ‘No, the cook, the polish woman in the background with the strong back, “making fix-ins”… she’s hot.”

Part of me wanted to scream, ‘but why can’t I be the perky blond, why do I have be the polish woman with the strong back who constantly smells of garlic and onions — why? But after further thought, I realized maybe I am that woman by the stove, just with larger breasts and sans the Polish heritage… so be it.

In any event, perfect comfort food for me is meatballs and sauce. I love listening to Dino, drinking wine and chopping garlic. It’s instant therapy and not something I grew up with. My dinner table did not resemble The Sopranos, See post on glop and onion soup. Meatballs and sauce is something I learned when I first noticed how devastatingly handsome Italian men are.

The Sauce:

1 onion finely diced
1 carrot diced
1 celery stalk diced
4 cloves of garlic finely chopped
2 (28-ounce) cans crushed tomatoes (recommended: San Marzano)
1 cup of red wine
2 Tbls of butter
Handful of chopped fresh basil
Dash of thyme
Salt & Pepper to taste

Sautee you onion, carrot and celery until onions are translucent in pan with 2 tbls. of olive oil. Add you garlic, cook until fragrant. Add your tomatoes, red wine and butter. Simmer on low. Add basil and salt and pepper.

Worst Cook Ever Meatballs:

Preheat oven to 350

1lb. ground beef or turkey
1/2 cup fresh parsley
1 tsp. of chili flakes
1 cup of chopped Spanish onions
4 cloves of garlic finely chopped
1 - 2 cups of Italian seasoned bread crumbs (judge consistency — moist, but firm)
1 cup parmigiano reggiano finely grated
2 eggs
splash of milk
salt and pepper

Mix together with your hands and form meatballs the size of golf balls. Place them on baking sheet and cook for 15 minutes. Add them to your sauce. Toss with pasta or enjoy with crusty bread.

We all know a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes, nuts (especially walnuts) and olive oil, and very low on the red meat, refined grains, and processed foods is good for us. After all, these are the staples to the Mediterranean Diet, and perhaps why the lovely people of the Mediterranean are so incredibly beautiful, trim and sexual. That’s right — not only are Europeans hotter than us, they also are coming more often. Durex condoms did a study on the frequency of sex around the world, and not surprisingly, Greece is on top of the sex charts, along with its European neighbors. Feta cheese and olives anyone?

The United States trailed far behind, at the very sexually frustrated bottom, next to Nigeria and Japan.

Best Life magazine had an article on a recent study in the International Journal of Impotence Research that found women and men who followed the Mediterranean diet wanted to get it on more and had orgasms more often. Food that’s good for your heart increases blood flow to all areas your body. Time to rethink your diet or move to Europe.

Orgasm Dip:
1 cup feta cheese
1 cup roasted red tomatoes soaked in olive oil
4 garlic cloves
4 scallions chopped

Bake for 15 minutes at 350 in oven safe bowl. Toss with pasta or enjoy with pita bread. Eat naked with lover. Happy Coming.

I’ve spent a lot of time in Malibu, CA. Many nights I sat at the restaurant Nobu drinking far too much chardonnay and realizing the potency of tropical sake. It’s located in Cross Creek, the rich and famous version of a strip mall and it’s a fishbowl for celebrities. You will find plenty of expensive clothes, implants and paparazzi.

Pierce Brosnan, Cindy Crawford, Jennifer Aniston, Britney Spears, Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton and my Aunt and Uncle, are all regulars at Nobu. Malibu is home to beautiful people, that spawn beautiful children and everyone seemingly shimmers. The secret is far from genetics and lies in the mass consumption of sashimi. Having spent a significant amount of time here, I learned the glow isn’t from the beach, but rather the large quantities of Mercury.

Slivers of sashimi, so thinly sliced are drenched in a delicious sauce and topped with scallions or chilies (featured in photo). The dish is intoxicating. Luckily, we don’t have to be seated at Nobu to enjoy it. Please try this recipe or ask your sushi chef — it will change the way you think of sashimi.

New Style Sashimi
by Nobu Matsuhisa

* 8 - 12 ounces sashimi (Atlantic Salmon)
* 2 Tablespoons minced garlic
* Fresh gingerroot, julienned
* Scallion, julienned
* 12 Tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
* 4 Tablespoons sesame oil
* 4 Tablespoons soy sauce
* 4 Tablespoons yuzu juice (may substitute with lemon juice)
* 2 Tablespoons white sesame seeds

Cut the fish fillet into paper-thin slices. Fan out the slices in a circle over 4 dinner plates. Scatter some of the minced garlic and some of the ginger and scallion julienne over the fish; sprinkle with the sesame seeds. Sprinkle on the soy sauce and yuzu juice.

Combine the olive oil and sesame oil in a nonreactive small saucepan. Set over moderately high heat and bring almost to a boil (about 200°); the surface will shimmer. Remove from the heat and immediately pour one-fourth of the sauce over each serving of fish. The hot oil will sear the fish as you pour it on. Serve at once.

Eat me.